At the end of my tether

Dear God. Yes, I must speak now and be heard. I have followed what I have been shown as faithfully as I know (yes, I know that’s not very faithfully) and now I have come to a full stop. The problem is we’ve lumbered to the end of the runway and the big bird is still on the ground. I haven’t got the energy to turn round and do it all over again - and why should it be more successful the 2nd time?
I want to evaporate, to disintegrate, disappear, vanish – be reconstituted on a different plane. But yet, here I am and here is everything else. I want it to change, to be fun, to be light & bright, to be spring, in love with the world and the world in love with me.

See the response

> What do I feel now, in 2006, about this heartfelt cry? I had set myself on a path towards transformation because I needed to know my self, and to manifest my inward reality in the world – which is, I think, the artistic impulse. Of course we'd all like to say 'fiat lux' and see instant illumination reflected on every face, and if I could've done that I'm sure I would have. But I couldn't, and so I have had to follow the longer darker path.
> I've written elsewhere about the sense of
dharma I acquired when I reached 'years of discretion' and first became conscious of my creative impulse/s. My vision was so much as odds with others around me that it seemed as if 'the time was out of joint, oh cursèd spite /that I was born to set it right' – I felt an obligation to work towards a vision of
music and of society that seemed to me the way things should be, and not to accept the way they are. I haven't always done this, of course, there have been detours – and the supreme irony is that the only time I really ever made any money was when I was 'writing other people's music' as a drama composer rather than my 'own'.
> While it was all happening in 1993, i
t was very hard to accept that following my 'path' (which I really thought I was) should lead right into the middle of a swamp from which there was no apparent exit. Yet I see now the profound transformation I experienced -the experience that the universe is not a morally-neutral environment, that there is a force which responds to & ampilifies good intentions (to put it no higher)- could not have manifested in my life without this 'testing in the furnace of humiliation'. For after the shit was kicked out of me I began to see quite differently. It was brutal and relatively quick, because that, in fact, was what I'd set myself up for. Afterwards there was still a lot more to be squeezed out (like getting all the air out of an airbed!) which goes on to this day — but the real reward is to begin to experience the reality, the shit-less seeing if you like!, that I sought.
> And what other purpose could there be to life than to learn to see 'reality', to understand that the so-called Real World is only a manifestation of a mind-set, and that if you subscribe to an alternative mind-set you can begin to manifest that instead. The process of shit kicking simply helps you to get a better perspective on what really matters. Insh'allah.

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