Giving and receiving Gifts

It's a strange thing to find oneself with the power to create beauty yet be unable to get it to land in the outside world - as each of you may know - when so much rubbish lands so easily.

I seem to have found the power to help others make things happen (which feels an awful lot better than making nothing happen) yet I can't translate this into working for my core reality - which at nearly 70 you'd think I should be able to. In all my many setbacks I've always taken the wily route of the survivor and used my belief in my ultimate victory /vindication as a source of energy. This, whatever it is, is very much bound up with my sense of calling (/dharma) & that 'inner otherness' where ideas arise, which in turn is part of the experience for which there is no alternative to the word God.

I feel a duty (/dharma) to deliver this 'thing' in my lifetime; indeed I feel giving this gift to an indifferent world to be the purpose of my life, and it has therefore always been incomprehensible to me that there should be so many barriers. But what doesn't kill us makes wilier.

When I was young the inability to communicate my vision made me angry and when this energy didn't work it resulted in deep depression. In describing my life as a crescendo of happiness, the main component of  this change is figuring out what happens under the bonnet & seeing how to wire up different bits of experience to produce the results that you want. Learning how others learn (AKA teaching) & acquiring the bizarre mixture of soft skills necessary for running Cherubim have shown me how to articulate what people want but can't articulate for themselves. This is perhaps the real meaning of service.

From all this I see that most people don't understand what is in their own best interests - and that even what is ultimately good for them must be patiently spoonfed. Which can all be intensely frustrating since even the slightest hint of impatience produces a negative reaction & takes you back to square -1, unraveling everything woven to date. Yet it all feeds back into the best advice I know: don't get mad get even. If you fail, learn the deep lesson/s and then you'll be ready when the cycle comes round again.

I really did think that the BBC choral carol competition had my name on it - but the result proved yet again that people can't see what they can't see. I feel there are deep karmic issues here for me, which I've been working throu my entire life. When I was 13 and contemplating suicide because of my total inability to communicate my inner (musical) world I had a strong sense that I'd already done that once, and that the only consequence was that I d been sent back to try again - and that if I did the same thing wd happen again, yet at the same time I was shown that at the end of my life people would accept from me what they cdnt hear then. And that is broadly proving true.

All karma means is (right) action. Each positive (truthful) action we take eventually builds up into a wave of energy within us that is ultimately unstoppable (alas the opposite is also true, which is why we have to be constantly alert). This business of grounding my inner vision/audition in the outer world is my last uncompleted life assignment. Why it shdv been so hard Heaven alone knows - but When I've completed it I shall be free to drift off to where  I shall be able to understand the reasons (if there are any)!

There are many verses from the Psalms that have stayed with me but one has always fortified me on the sometimes stony path "yea I had almost said even as they, but then I should have condemned a generation of thy children." At the time I was nowhere near such prospects but I took it as an encouragement that my struggles were about overcoming things that were of significance to more than just me - if I could do it Id open a door that would make it easier for others.

I feel I've already composed a lot of the music I'll be remembered for, and that when it comes out it'll have an uplifting power which will help to define a new era and lead this rotten age to wither away - but /& that it may be the very blindness which grips this generation that blocks my path. It is hard to stay open-hearted when the gift you offer is ignored but (as outlined above) that is the game, if you butt out of your only chance of winning your prize.

There is no other choice but love. I used to think the universe a hostile environment but I've realised that all it does is mirror back our own face/s. Presently we've constructed the most hideously greedy face which our environment is faithfully mirroring back - yet I've come to see that evolution is love in action,& vice versa. So I know that change is possible. What my music /life is is just a tiny contribution to that process. I have to leave the timing of its entry to the great conductor.

These are thoughts from the wee small hours, caused in part (if not entirely) by wind arising (or descending) from a delicious raw red cabbage and nut salad. I hope they may be useful to others experiencing the same things.