Turn to the sun

"Is your orientation towards the true light of true love, or are you a moth who mistakes a light bulb for the real thing? How deep is your reality? Are your responses coming from a deep yearning for truth & harmony or do they spring from your circumstances?
The deep path can be lonely, but at its heart it connects to a river of truth that flows under the glaciers which others (mis)take for ultimate reality. It is never frozen, never dammed. It just is."

Moving towards one-pointedness

"Do you not feel closer now to your goal? Do you not feel an inner resolution?
Everything could not happen at once. All has progressed according to inward priorities. No doubt you would have liked to see your material circumstances settled first, but my great gift to you is to leave you this creative spur. You must seek inner resolution before any outward form can manifest. You only need to know that I love you, and I bless you, and I lead you."

Thoughts on Good Friday

Maybe if we used the phrase 'mystery ingredient' instead of the word God we'd have a clearer idea of how this intangible force operates as a catalyst throuout the universe. Part of the issue is how words interact with perceptions. It is very hard to pay tribute to an element whose scope is so far outside what humans can conceptualise.
Today as a result of evidence-based materialistic science we have lost touch with vocabulary that evolved to express emotions involved in collective aspiration. If we use words like worshipping, rejoicing, beseeching (praying even) the image most of us will have is of addressing them to another human or possibly projecting them randomly into the ether.
The discourse of the media since Peter Cook has been to ridicule those big old-fashioned concepts which the public buildings of previous ages express, because their meaning has largely been lost. Yet their effective extinction has brought us no greater joy. More fun perhaps, a bit more pleasure, but no lasting joy.
I saw 2 ads y/day: 'master a craft in a weekend' & 'understand Windows XP'. No doubt these will recruit well, we're at ease in the conceptual world; but in the perceptual world it's all a bit more murky. Which organisation really has the key helping us understand the meaning of life? Even saying that sound like a joke today. Could you /Would you build a great confident cathedral to a 'mystery ingredient'? How do we catch the tail of that most elusive of mysteries, the validation of our own existence? Because of this incomplete awareness in western society which identifies 'reality' entirely thou materialistic criteria, we have evolved a semantic sense-perception that does not include /cannot comprehend the supra-rational aspects of the existence. We've lost the plot because mainstream sense-awareness /vocabulary focuses on concepts not percepts.
You could say by emphasising the conceptual & objective at the expense of the perceptual & subjective orthodox christianity has given us science, technology & our mental prowess. Whereas the unorthodox churches, & their pagan successors, have compensated by emphasising the perceptual & subjective – which was at once more successful in giving the heart primacy (introjection), yet has been less successful in providing the quality of structure & projection which creates the aesthetic conditions for the longevity of a thought-form.
An article on ZNet notes the 80th birthday of Playboy creator Hugh Hefner. When we note the exponential spread of pornography -of which he was the public face- it is plain that something is amiss with a collective psyche which can objectify & degrade the feminine in this way. It's not that I haven't used pornography & don't understand its allure, but I think we must see it in an overall social context where natural relationships between men & women are often heavily circumcised - yes, I use that word deliberately.
How is this part of the 'mystery ingredient'? Well perhaps because nowadays more than ever we men have come to expect to receive our highs (endorphin release) throu sex &/or drugs without engaging with any 'otherness'. And by so doing, and thinking ourselves so clever for managing to do it, we miss the entire point of existence, namely mutuality. For it is in mutuality that the 'mystery ingredient' is most clearly sensed.

Times changes things

For one who has experienced so much anguish it seems banal to write of happiness – as if happiness represented a defection to the unthinking herd, absorption by the golf-playing bourgoisie & its superficial pleasures. Politically, it's hard for me to know how to handle contentment!
Sitting here at meditation time in the sunlit cave that is my/our sitting room, my intense happiness seems to spring from the completion of a cycle – knowing that I held to my path throu thick & thin . (Perhaps that [self-]knowedge is its principal reward?)
Just to hear or meditate on Christ's words "Well done, thou good & faithful servant. Enter thou into thy rest" always moves me to tears. Of course I have done many things that deviated from this, wounded many people, but like the energy of some mighty underground river this invitation has always rung in my ears & guided me (blindly) onward, just as the river follows a path determined by factors it does not control.
I can relate this integrity/ation to the erasure of physical desire – as if I had achieved a full account, balanced & closed that set of books. Now I am free to use the clarity & energy of that energy without its befogging links to personal 'gratisfaction', its engagement with or search for an other, towards engagement with the otherness of human need, and indeed that of all life-forms.

Forgiveness and allowing (so much a theme on this blog) are one and the same. So are the forces of evolution and love. Uncovering this is like discovering the (al)chemical process by which matter is transmuted; knowing that if elements are added in the wrong sequence it all goes awry, yet not knowing in advance what that order should be but simply allowing the subconscious (the underground river) to lead.
I affirm the capacity of my life to bring blessing to others. I rejoice to have reached my 60th year & to know that I am at last qualified to do what all the 'training' has prepared me for. I knew at 11 years of age that it would take this long, I just couldn't imagine how I could survive the intervening 50 years - tho many of them have, of course, been wonderful. I knew then that people would be prepared to hear me when I had the 'proof' of life experience, where they weren't willing (or perhaps, for karmic reasons, able) to accept from me at that age.

What changes your luck?

"What changes your luck is honouring who you truly are – honouring the truth that is born with you – honouring your spirit guides and your relatives.
"Is your first reaction: 'bolox!'? Then consider how that slams the door on a range of possibilites & leaves you shut into your ego-centre?
"Perhaps you have been bruised by unfullfilled hopes? Two affirmations are crucially important: Allow & Be. One allows your world to be permeated by a positive dynamic; the other affirms that you are & have both a calling and a right to be.
"These qualities are like two friends who between them tug & nudge you towards the fullness you dream of – in fact, the fullness that will allow you to be that very hope which you may have been expecting to come from somewhere outside. When these two are in balance your hopes can be met because they will be harmoniously compatible with highest truth that was born with(in) you – because by then the ego & its needs will no longer be your driving force, for your good will be compatible with the greater good."

The way back to the garden

"Holy. Holy Holy.
If you could live with(in) the dynamic created by seeing the true soul of everyone & everything imagine what a release of energy there would be – instead of seeing only separateness and individualism you'd see interconnectedness. And from that would flow collaboration, wholeness, belonging – every worthwhile vibration.
"The way you find the way to this state is by simply taking the next step that appears to you. If you will let yourself be led by this impulse towards clarity & sacredness the power that is within will do the rest. It means doing the natural thing: being loving: being enthusiastic (god filled): being willing to step out & embrace others."

Be still & know

"Well hallo!
Reconnect with that pure stillness. There are no words, no pictures, no sounds – just calm life-giving stilness. You don't have to justify yourself, or argue in favour of anything – just be and experience your full uniqueness."

On the development of a musician

> A butterfly mind is a tremendous asset IF it is grounded in a self-identity that is moving forward in a clear direction. But if the principal focus is lost a person's 'balance of probabilities' gets out of kilter and the result is an airhead. I remind young pianists that if they were training to be a competitive athlete they couldn’t afford to let themselves get out of condition during holidays.

> In my role as a mentor I have two modes: the helpful encourager of those whose 'natural equipment' predisposes them to dabbling: but for those who have the potential to engage more deeply with music I play the trainer who can not only keep them up to the mark, but help them constantly to stretch themselves & thus raise it.
> Now, most teachers fulfil that role by placing rigid structures like exams & curriculums around the child & forcing it along a certain path by means of carrots & whips. [God, do I understand why teachers turn into dragons! - it's much easier to scare children into be(com)ing good than to be constantly having to cajole & woo them.] Just because I don’t, doesn’t mean that I’m not looking for the same pace of development in those who have the potential.

> As a child grows, its consciousness (its spirit, if you will) flutters just ahead of it, drawing it on. In a way that spirit IS its truth, its inner connectedness. I believe that if you can show a child that YOU value that spirit part of hir & show hir how to grow without its intrinsic delight getting trapt in books like a pressed flower, then you’ve fulfilled the real function of education.
> Unfortunately, as we know, schooling tends to beat children around the head with objects (objectivity so-called) which make them lose faith with that pre-verbal world of subjective delight to which music gives pre-eminent access. In state schools it happens 'by accident' because teachers willing to take any real responsibility for pupils' learning are a dying breed. In private schools it happens because they (over?)load pupils with exciting activities.

> The raw material of a pianist is physical dexterity, but the glue that holds hir together is meta-physical - attitude. Keeping a student's attitude focused is not just the glue, it's also the mechanism /the software by which s/he can decode hir experience & integrate it into that exciting sweep of (self-)development which defines achievers from everyonelse.
> Musical excellence does not allow you to idle, 'leisure time' is for people with BORING jobs! You need to keep fit, to keep training - not like a lycra-clad obsessive, but at a reasonable, constant, even pace.

How long can you stay cool?

"Ah my friend, the call to (a fresh) battle fires up your synapses! How long can you remain calm within the action, & not be sucked into surrendering to the excitement so that you lose contact with your angels?"

Transforming energy during aging process

> I was struck by reading articles in the weekend papers on a new book about Robert Graves's amorous relationships with various 'muses' toward the end of his life by the Moral of the situation. It's ironic how, in these accounts, Moral & moral overlap if Moral signifies underlying lesson & moral signifies underlying intention.
> Like many another male creative artist I have had amorous relationships with various 'muses' & know how a trick of the light, 'un certain regard', can bring about an enchantment that serves both parties – indeed I would go so far as to say that it's up there with the other great mysteries of life's profound experiences.
> Having previously made this blog a record of my experience of a transpersonal awareness which I have sensed wishing to use me as a medium to bring into collective consciousness esoteric perceptions about the metaphysical nature of existence, the '3 Blogs' posting I made on New Year's Eve reflects the random conjunction of 3 strands in my life that I have sought to reconcile, that of personal faith, that of personal eroticism, and that of collective spiritual awareness. Those who know me may have heard me say how I found Casanova's Histoire de ma vie an extremely influential book when I read it some 8 years ago. I took two lessons from it, or rather a lesson & a warning, which together exemplify the Moral/moral nexus found in Graves's case.
> I found padre Giacomo's narrative circumstantially convincing. Maybe he exaggerates here & there, but the whole autobiography struck me as among the most vivid evocations of the pre-Revolutionary world I've encountered. You can smell the shit in the alleys. I would regard it as essential reading to any musician who studying historically-informed performance styles. After a couple of volumes of this dazzling account of dedicated priapism I had to ask myself: 'how did he do it? How did he avoid entangling himself with relationships that never got further than talk?' [What follows is every bit as esoteric as my meta-physical reflections. Some people, some women, may be shocked, but I think it worth setting down as it expresses certain profound truths about the perennial riddles that men & women come together in order to resolve.]
> The more I thought about it, the more I attuned to Casanova's unique moral vision & realised two things: he had learnt to spot women who were 'up for it' & simply didn't waste time on the others: & he understood how every princess yearns to play the gipsy. 'It is true that he lived in an age altogether devoid of knowledge of the nobler relation between the sexes,' says the editor of my 19thC edition of Alexander Pope! But Casanova wasn't in search of 'the nobler relation between the sexes'(!) he was out to enjoy himself & the vibration he projected attracted the appropriate partners. So at one level, the Moral is 'if you're clear about the reality you want to create, you will create it.' On the other hand, in Casanova's moral (intentional) world, he had the self-awareness to know that he wasn't The Marrying Kind. He did The Daicent Thing by a couple of women with whom he'd had long (for him) relationships & left them with enough money to live independent lives.
> From these observations I abstracted a further lesson. If you can use your moral vision to decode women's availability -which god forbid I would do, already!- you can use it to decode the intentionality (moral vision) of anyone you meet. From this I have developed a 'second sight' for recognising those who are purposefully engaged on their inner resolution, as opposed to those who are merely pussy-footing around it.
> This brought me to a much more significant lesson: a theory of 'valuable people'. If you wish to build alliances & inspire groups to bring about change it is counterproductive to involve
yourself closely with people whose motivation isn't of the same depth – because when the going gets tough they'll only stand to the depth their foundations equip them for. There's nothing judgmental about this, it's a simple law of karma – & the fault is not theirs, it's that of the 'engineer' who misjudged or misread their stress qualification, albeit due to inexperience.
> 'As gold is tried in the fire, so are the chosen in the furnace of humiliation.' Proverbs. There's much more I could say around this issue, but I have projects needing attention.
> The warning I read in Casanova's memoirs was that here was a man of exceptional mettle who, in Shakespeare's immortal expression, 'melted down his substance in divers beds of lust.' Casanova saw himself as a man of letters and boasted of his reception by Voltaire, yet he left nothing that has stood the test of time except the record of his sexual adventures. He undoubtedly achieved considerable esoteric insight, the Histoire is shot throu with it, but instead of using this for the benefit of humanity he used it for personal gain, to swindle and to seduce – and he paid the price. He missed the mark which he had set himself for his own life ... and ended miserably, a librarian mouldering in a remote country estate among rustic servants ignored by a Count who lived the high life in Viennese society to which Casanova had once prided himself on having entré.
> His guiding principle 'sequere deum' (follow the god =energy) had been an ignis fatuus, a will o' the wisp, that led him far from his true -divine- nature because Casanova had misidentified the emotional clarity /intensity of erotic encounters with the physical, instead of understanding that it is the meta-physical or spiritual aspects of relationships that are to be worshipped. As a result he had attached his soul irrevocably to the earth plane instead of de-taching it in preparation for departure. These are the lessons which tantra exists to teach.

> Robert Graves too, we are to understand, made this error with appalling consequences for nearly everyone around him. He continued to worship the illusion of eroticism after he could no longer perform its ceremonies – and as a result instead of integrating its lessons into
his life and achieving beauty, he achieved ugliness by disintegrating the lives of his family and those of his lovers.
> Thus the moral intertwines with the Moral. I am not one to speak from high ground, but I have put a great deal of energy into making positive choices in my life designed to avert such gruesome conclusions. Call it soul-preservation if you will – but ultimately, one of the greatest challenge facing men (I cannot speak for women) as we enter that strange 'no man's land' which is old age ['the disaster which occurs to everyone & which noone expects' as I've heard it called, & of which I now have some inkling] is to make the transition to a state where we find /retain the same level energy from somewherelse, which formerly we received from sexuality.
> This tests to destruction those lifestyle decisions we have made throughout our lives. In some future blog I may perhaps speak of this aspect of my own journey.

The right conditions ...

"Intunity is being in the flow, like a ball floating on top of a fountain. Imagine there's a 'forwards' & you fall straight off. It's the fountain of the heart that keeps the ball of intelligence aloft. And it requires all your focus to stay there bouncing gently in the flow. Animals & plants know this; they have no other awareness except their instinctive sense of this intunity. They don't need to call it God, because they know. When they lose it their life-force is extinguished.
"But humans experience duality. Simply to keep love alive seems ridiculously simple – until you try to do it. Keeping your consciousness focused in your sense of truthfulness is no activity for a grown man, you think! No: building an empire, hogging the limelight, driving other people off your patch – that makes sense. But being still, being attentive to 'that of God' within – how much sense does that make when there are mouths to feed & bills to pay & meals to cook? Yet it is in doing this that we experience our ultimate fulfilment, that we experience our greatest intunity with ourselves and our greatest harmony with nature.
"Duality is always present, of course it is. Nothing is static. The (spiritual) weather changes with the seasons (of life) and creates new environments for us to experience ourselves in. This is to be expected. There are eruptions in the heart which vary the fountain's pressure tremendously. Our focus may drift from keeping the ball of intelligent compassion aloft to external scenes or relationships. But we are incredibly privileged, we do not fall sick & die when we lose our sense of inner truth as animals do. We are given time to recover it.
"And what is it for? What is anything for? Everything in the universe exists to serve and to be (ob)served. It cannot predict how it should serve – it fulfils its destiny simply by being utterly & absolutely who & where it is and reacting intuitively & mathematically to its environment. What a lesson that is!
"All life is intelligent. The harmony it creates may be savage and raw but it never loses its intunity. Is the same true of humans? Only if we use our duality to honour the unity which less-evolved life-forms know do we truly become human beings.
"Once we catch an echo of this inner harmony life can never be the same again. Pursuing it matters more than food or relationships – and yet, all the time, there it is within us: the ball of buddhi /intelligence just waiting for our loving attention to reunite it with the fountain of innergy spurting up from the heart – and then, and only then, the true power of evolutionary love is released."
Happy new year.

3 very different blogs

After uploading my inner writings to this blog I've made a habit of clicking Next Blog. I have been redirected to many fascinating & extraordinary sites. Those which have most attracted me have mostly been from the Far East - where the openheartedness of the writers is in fairly marked contrast to postings from the West; well, the western end of the West!

Over Christmas 3 blogs have touched me deeply, all in quite different ways -
Diary of a Muslimah is by a young woman living in Dubai, with family in Pakistan. She writes of her decision to adopt the hijab as a symbol of her faith, even tho some of her relatives teased her about it. Throu the links I encountered some on-the-ground blogs of life conditions for Palestinians living under Israeli occupation, which are all the more shocking for the banality of the violence.
Richard Emblin could scarcely have been more different. He is a photographer, until recently picture editor of the Colombian El Tiempo, with 3 different websites reflecting his professional activity. This one, The Girl in the Picture, is of his erotic pictures & links. Most sex on the web is grotesque & garish, which makes one wonder who actually finds it titilating? – but this had an elegance & candour which I found attractive. To be sure it's still men gawping at women, but maybe that's how it works? What would I know!
Simon Barrow is another move away. Based in England, he maintains several comprehensive & comprehensible websites linking those who practice faith (mostly Christian, mostly US/UK) in an open-minded way. As one who is not currently in a faith community, but for whom the issue remains important, I found it heart-warming.

Embrace your darkness

"So now you see what all the hardship was about: training your spiritual muscles. Your natural mind has to be christed /anointed. Instead of thinking any experience, be it good or bad , is about itself, you should begin to realise that its purpose is to take you on a journey away from your ego-mind toward your true self.
"Embrace the darkness; it will lead you by the shortest route to your redemption from what troubles you. That doesn't mean you mustn't 'mind the shop': you still have responsibilities as a conscious being – but take courage that the universe is a loving space, not a hostile one. You may find your transformation taking you throu some tight corners and winding ways, but it will always be for the purpose of leading you by the surest and shortest route to the wholeness which you crave as your birthright."

Don’t cling to what is past

"Sometimes the hardest answers to acknowledge are the ones you already know. They may represent what is unattractive to the ego. The call is to go beyond your limits, to accept the wisdom that flows throu you, rather than the one you feel you own. That requires exceptional trust, so don’t look down, look forwards.
"Oh, so you don’t know which way is forward?
"Which way seems most exciting? Which way feels most like growth?
"Two dangers here: 1, Don’t be trapt by the past, don’t retain guilt for things that were never your responsibility. Be free in mind, and allow the physical expression of that freedom to manifest. 2, Don’t be discouraged if the way you wish to follow is not immediately possible. You may have old karma to deal with. Similarly, be free in mind, and allow the physical expression of that freedom to manifest.
"Don’t cling to what is past. That’s why it's passed!"

22/8/91

What do you want of me?

"I have put my affairs in the hands of humans …
"At your heart, you are me: at my heart I am you. That is what you need to discover to become whole /be healed.

"To discover is to uncover what exists but was previously unknown to you. This knowledge is uniquely personal & requires your complete commitment if you are to realise its power. It's like a PIN-number which only activates one individual's 'card'. The words alone 'At your heart, you are me: at my heart I am you' meaningless, a cliché — unless psycho-activated by your individual will; unless your search for meaning has been so intense that their simplicity is like a cup of cold water in a desert. You no longer care how vulnerable they make you, you are just grateful to have found what you need to renew your life.

"You map every aspect of the material world, yet leave the central goal of existence out of your calculations altogether! You cannot eat it, or make money out of it. It exists as springs exist. Does the natural world charge you to experience it?
"What a privilege to be a musician or a dancer, what great ways of encountering the heart of your otherness – yet how tragic if you restrict this unique point of contact with your true self to mind-numbing 'entertainment'.

"The street where you live is the centre of the universe. Your own front door is the only gateway you need to enter to align your self with the undying life force which is your potential."

All you need is

There are two ways of experiencing god-energy – by aligning with the forces within nature, and by experiencing the inspiration of a parallel reality which transcends our natural senses. Both are equally valid. Ultimately there is no contradiction between them. They are complementary. Indeed both are required if we are to form a clear picture of the being who is the source of all energy. We are both matter and spirit and cannot begin to express our true nature until both are in balance.
We need to align ourselves with the rootedness of an immobile life-form if we are to understand the geographical, ethnic & cultural root stock from which we've grown. Yet this alone cannot tell us everything about who/what we are called to become. Spirit is as-it-were the sun that provides the energy for us to grow towards our true nature, which is to be in harmony with both created matter and its spiritual foundations.
If we see that the source of all life is a profound yet ever-evolving harmony that progresses by resolving /integrating dissonance then we can understand how the forces we call evolution and love are not separate but synonymous.
See also

Help is at hand

"If you're stuck in a hole don't churn your feet in the mud - call for the air rescue service, your angel support team. They're real, ready and more than willing. But like human rescue workers they need to be called into action."

Not going mental

"To be locked into your mind is to be stuck on the earth plane.
"Generosity, vision, love, eco-wisdom, all these come from spirit – but they're also part of nature, indivisible aspects of creation.
"Open up, lighten up, release … you really don't have to know all the answers!"

What purpose do our perpetual financial crises serve?

"To keep you in touch with yourself, and keep you humble & grounded.

"As you have to keep in prayerful contact so you charge your spiritual batteries - that's a good bargain, isn't it? And don't you enjoy seeing constant miracles?

"But there's something else you can do to change the vibrations around you - start being your own best friend! Debts are a challenge to find more ways to give love unselfishly. They arise from possessiveness. Share more – give more – be simpler.

"Be realistic – expect miracles – but remember, miracles give you what you need not what want."

Trust the process

"If you can't think what to do, then praise – praise s/he who is the source of all life – s/he who makes hirself known in the natural world – s/he whom we sense in the system design of all life forms. S/he who is the evolutionary power of love.
"Trust, even in times of dryness. Trust not because you understand what's happening, but trust that you are understood and that your needs are being met as you evolve into the new being for whom these experiences are preparing you.
"Does the baby know what is happening as it being born? No. Keep praising to keep your energy high & trust the process. It is flawless in design."