Times changes things

For one who has experienced so much anguish it seems banal to write of happiness – as if happiness represented a defection to the unthinking herd, absorption by the golf-playing bourgoisie & its superficial pleasures. Politically, it's hard for me to know how to handle contentment!
Sitting here at meditation time in the sunlit cave that is my/our sitting room, my intense happiness seems to spring from the completion of a cycle – knowing that I held to my path throu thick & thin . (Perhaps that [self-]knowedge is its principal reward?)
Just to hear or meditate on Christ's words "Well done, thou good & faithful servant. Enter thou into thy rest" always moves me to tears. Of course I have done many things that deviated from this, wounded many people, but like the energy of some mighty underground river this invitation has always rung in my ears & guided me (blindly) onward, just as the river follows a path determined by factors it does not control.
I can relate this integrity/ation to the erasure of physical desire – as if I had achieved a full account, balanced & closed that set of books. Now I am free to use the clarity & energy of that energy without its befogging links to personal 'gratisfaction', its engagement with or search for an other, towards engagement with the otherness of human need, and indeed that of all life-forms.

Forgiveness and allowing (so much a theme on this blog) are one and the same. So are the forces of evolution and love. Uncovering this is like discovering the (al)chemical process by which matter is transmuted; knowing that if elements are added in the wrong sequence it all goes awry, yet not knowing in advance what that order should be but simply allowing the subconscious (the underground river) to lead.
I affirm the capacity of my life to bring blessing to others. I rejoice to have reached my 60th year & to know that I am at last qualified to do what all the 'training' has prepared me for. I knew at 11 years of age that it would take this long, I just couldn't imagine how I could survive the intervening 50 years - tho many of them have, of course, been wonderful. I knew then that people would be prepared to hear me when I had the 'proof' of life experience, where they weren't willing (or perhaps, for karmic reasons, able) to accept from me at that age.